Day 6 - Where's the money?!

I will not hear these words directly, but they will come from a subtle angle, I will be compared to other people in my family. I’ll hear my father and/or mother saying ‘but where is the money from the business idea? It’s taking so long’.

I became deeply offended at the idea of taking so long to make financial gains, I would say things like ‘these things take time’ or ‘it’s a development in progress’ or ‘it’s a very hard job I do you know?!’. These statements were of course not as justifying as I was making them out to be. I knew I was lying to myself. I know that I was not really applying myself 100% and that I was not really invested in the idea of actually working for myself.

So all these other excuses came to the fore, I said to myself ‘but I already have a job - that’s why i’m not applying myself’ or ‘I work a lot already - to work more would be ludicrous’. So I could see that there was a certain level of comfort in ‘the way things already were’ - thinking ‘why would I want to change this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger when I hear my parents comparing me to other members of my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am being compared to other members of my family whenever my parents talk about how much money I make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in offence when I hear the word ‘idea’ within ‘business idea’ being spoken by my mother, taking it to mean that what I am working on is just an idea and as such everything that I am ‘doing’ is not real. That it somehow means that what I am doing is not solid or tangible or feasible and that I should ‘move on’. Furthermore I see that these statements are all me - and that I hold onto them within myself as a definition of myself, so I am in fact the one making everything an idea, an infeasibility, a non-solid structure. Not seeing or realising that to make something real, real things have to be done. I cannot just imagine something into existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not succeeding within my business.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for my business, believing that I can just get away with doing the bare minimum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to participate in a judgement of myself for not making money quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘but these things take time’ not really meaning these words but rather hiding behind these words to cover my procrastination and avoidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that work is hard, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I actually fear failure, I fear the process not working, and in so doing I limit myself so that I do not have to face failure in any form, because if I have done nothing - then there is nothing to fail. Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a fear of failure - connecting failure to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

Furthermore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not apply myself when it comes to my work for the same fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to the examples set by others, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I must focus on my self and my own process within my life and my business, seeing and realising that comparison is a complete mind fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that because I have a job already, that my other business does not take precedence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the excuse that because ‘I have a job already’ … ‘that is why I am not applying myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become too comfortable in my current position, not seeing or realising that my current position is not the best that it can be, and that I have an opportunity to go much further in helping more people within the whole life of their education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘to work more would be ludicrous as I already work too much’.

When and as I see myself reacting to my mother’s words in relation to my business and see that I am reacting with anger towards them - I stop and I breathe. I will myself to take a look at what words I am responding too and to then investigate this response so that I can see what it is I am showing and highlighting to myself - as all of it will be me, and it will be something that I have allowed to define me. And in doing this I will release myself through self forgiveness and set a course of correction through writing, and then living the writing into reality, creating myself.

When and as I see myself comparing myself to another person’s process and feeling bad because I do not live up their apparent ‘standard’ I stop and I breathe. I will myself to see, realise, and understand that comparison means nothing in this sense, and that I allow myself to severely limit me by not allowing myself to feel bad because of what I ‘see’ as another person having over me. Not seeing that I am actually not seeing the situation properly, and that I am lying to myself by comparing myself, as there is nothing to compare myself to except me. I can only gauge myself according to who I was, am, and will allow myself to be.

Thus a will myself to focus on my own self expansion and self expression and no longer stifle myself through unnecessary comparisons with other people in my reality.

I will myself to see that living my utmost potential means taking the physical steps necessary to move myself every single day, it is exactly the same process involved in learning, Thus I see and realise that it is just simple movement, every day..