Thursday 4 August 2016

Day 17 - I am not enough - Really?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am not enough as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this belief that I am not enough - as I am comparing myself with others in my reality, whom I then set myself against - and say to myself that ‘I do not stand up to this being, they are better than me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must be able to stand up to beings, standing up to them in the sense that I can match or exceed good qualities that they have, like having better grades, jobs, money’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that I am ‘stupid’ because this is what was said to me as a young person growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personally the words ‘you are not very clever’ - these words that came from family members, that I could see in that moment as being ‘true’ as I had not surpassed any of the ‘challenges’ that had been set forth by previous and current family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that everything my mother and father says is ‘true’ and can be trusted. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that this isn’t really true, as they were the ones that were telling me as I grew up, that their word was equivalent to the ‘word of god’ and thus they should always be trusted. I will myself to see and realise and understand that I cannot trust my parents in terms of their belief systems that have built around me, that I must be this, and do this, and earn this - thus there is no need to take them personally anymore when they are attempting to impose a belief construct upon me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that because my grades, jobs, money does not reflect and match where other family members are, then what these people are saying is in fact true, that I ‘am stupid’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based upon another person’s perception of me as being good or bad, in this case allowing my parent’s judgements of my grades to infect me with a sense of uselessness and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that an average grade is bad, as ‘everybody get’s an average grade, and an average grade won’t set you apart from the rest’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that the whole education system is fucked, and that I was never really educated in how to live as and be a human being. Thus when and as I see myself going into a comparison and competition with other beings about the grade that we both ‘share’, to see, realise, and understand that there is no point in feeling bad about the grades that I have obtained in the past, that my attention can be given to what is right here - through what I can work with in terms of understanding myself in every minute detail. Real Education through self-discovering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I need to be set apart from the rest, to be shown and seen as special.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand how the need to be set apart and special is stemming from this base programmed belief that ‘I am not enough’, that ‘I need to be more’ - thus when and as I see myself going into this roundabout way of self-diminishing myself - I stop and I breathe - and through seeing the pattern and understanding what it means and where it comes from, I stop my participation within it and move myself into something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the dishonest belief that I am rejecting these values of ‘seeking to be set apart’ completely, when in fact I have embraced them completely within myself, as I have seen through my need to rebel through my formative years I was in fact saying to myself ‘I wish to be set apart from Them’ - thus participating in the very same construct of needing to be separate from, again not seeing, realising, or understanding that I have fallen into the same construct of needing to stand out, but in a manner in which I trick myself into believing that I am ‘not participating in the same glory hunting that ‘they’ are’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sadness when I showed my parents my grades, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a reaction towards their reaction of disappointment, allowing myself to be shocked for a split second, and then myself going into resentment and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment participate in the backchat ‘you are not good parents, good parents should be proud regardless, good parents should not be disappointed’, trying to justify to myself why it is ok for me to be angry with their disappointment at my grades, attempting to look away from the fact that my anger is my own.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that my standards for what good parenting should be like is not really based on any or principles, they are just what I happen to believe, what has been instilled into me - as I have not investigated what good parenting actually is.