Monday 12 December 2016

Day 22 - Wanting to be worshipped

I have this memory from when I was a kid. We were all in our usual day to day interactions and I remember looking up to this other guy as such a ‘cool person’. Everyone was listening to him and ‘paying’ him attention. I remember wanting to be like this guy. And I remember seeing him in a moment when he went against other people’s decisions, like he was going against the flow of what was deemed to be ‘cool’ and/or ‘acceptable’. I think to myself in this moment that this is the ‘special technique’ to garner that ‘special attention’, this tactic of using the words ‘I’m going to do this a different way’...’because I am going to show you that my way is better’ is what I have been doing my whole life.

I’ve always liked to stray off the trail, to ‘show it can be done’. To do the uncanny and go into a different direction. This need to ‘show off’ again being used to collect on the other person’s good will and love. Because that is what I saw in that moment, this other person getting so much love, and that is what I have wanted since that day.

So sometimes this technique will work, and sometimes it won’t. When it does, it does not really go as I hope  (that people start worshipping me) - people kind of just look at you begrudgingly and if anything you make them really dislike you - because ‘nobody likes a show off’. And when it doesn’t work in your favour - you get laughed at, which is not so bad if one also enjoys having this kind of attention.

So if this desire for love and attention did not exist before this moment in my early youth, what came before? I can see that I was still there. But this comparison game, and wanting to be like, and wanting to be special, and wanting to be loved, was not. And all was fine in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate another person getting more attention than everyone else is a thing to be had, a treasure to be won.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that everybody in the group is ‘paying’ him attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in wanting to be like this person and ‘be liked’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the acting out of what I believe to be his behaviours.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that going against the dominant flow is what makes one ‘cool’ and ‘special’, believing that it would lead to that special kind of attention where people appear to ‘love’ you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for ‘techniques’ in the words and behaviours of other people. Leading myself into what I believed I would be able to make as my ideal image of myself.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a belief that I must actively do something different when it comes to my engagements with other people, I must appear different and revolutionary, and I must appear ‘right’ in doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that i like to ‘stray off the trail’ - that this is the type of person I am, not seeing, realising, or understanding that this is not actually who I am, and that this is simply a script that I have taken from this other person, a script that I have been repeating to myself over and over in an effort to have a life like him and be worshipped, trying to be something that I am not, believing that I must sculpt myself as the image of others because otherwise I won’t have anybody worshipping me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that going into a different direction without any regard to what that direction is, just doing it because it is different, is without any direction and is just movement from a starting point of wanting to be ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very early age attempt to collect on the Goodwill and love of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind in that moment where I believed that this other person was getting so much love and attention, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I was not really looking at the moment clearly and lacked the ability to articulate what was happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to use this technique of wanting/needing to be different so that I can set myself apart from others, so that I can make myself special.

I forgive myself that I have not even accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I want people to worship me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that how I wish it were in my mind - is not how it has ever happened in reality, and if it has kind of happened and I have managed to gain some special ‘worship attention’ from someone in my reality - it is never the exactly how I wanted it, and thus it is never satisfying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that being at the centre of attention, being famous, being loved and liked, being worshipped, can lead me to be a satisfied human being. Not ever actually questioning the nature of this satisfaction within and as myself.

The same goes for when I see other people who are like me, but are enhanced versions, better jobs, money, house, car, looks, girlfriend, family, etc. It is like I am worshipping them in my mind, but I am hating them at the same time. I secretly wish that the roles were reversed and I was in their place.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a showing off of myself, not seeing, realising, or understanding that this does not bring me happiness and satisfaction like I think it does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being laughed at, because this is also a form of attention giving where I can ‘soak it all in’.

I forgive myself that I have secretly accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that all types of attention are good attention - that all publicity is good publicity.

When and as I see myself as going into this mindset of ‘I have to be different, I have to do it cool, I have to do something in a way that nobody else is doing it’ - I will myself to stop and to breathe - and I place the question what is the best way I can do this in this moment that does not compromise me by allowing me to follow a certain path that I believe will give me ego gratification through other people’s attention.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that we were all in our own minds in that moment, that all of us saw some qualities in this other person that we all liked, like confidence and their use of words and sound, the way they held themselves as a being - all of which were inspiring. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that back then I did not have the understanding that I have now (which would be to investigate what it is I need to do to become that expression)  - all I saw was a person that had something that I didn’t - and that I wanted what they had in the form of attention. And so I tried my best to mimic them so that I could get to that experience of myself, not actually seeing that this experience of myself that I wanted to have was all make-believe.

When and as I see myself participating in the desire to have things ‘be’ a certain way, as in the image I have in my mind of how I would like people to see me, how I would like them to like me, how I would like to replicate this moment that I saw this other person being worshipped - I stop and I breathe - and I will myself to see, realise, and understand that even when this has supposedly happened to me, and I have garnered this special worshipping attention - it has never been what I expected and wanted it to be, it always left a bad taste in my mouth. I will myself to see and realise that one cannot have this special kind of attention without creating a reaction in other people, the love is not always real love and it is always followed up in some way by hate, jealousy, and spite. Thus I am expecting people to give me this unconditional love when actually I am creating an environment in which I bring out the worst in people. I can no longer expect to create these ‘positive attention environments’ without also creating their polar opposites.

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2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. You Jews-Christians people you took anything from ancient Greece and you changed as comes better to you...And Christian comes from Nazarinas,after called them selfs as christians...and resserections first happend in Ancient Hellas and India...and after you call it for your selfs as you like it,as Christians...Jesus never spook about systematic Religion with hard Jews doctrines....so,Glorius to the God Apollon and blessed wine from God Dionysos....but not from You...You destroyed all our ancient Hellenic Culture with Byzantine killers to push as in a way on jews religion...This is the Truth...Angelo

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