Day 18 - Training Day

I have found myself in the position where I have the opportunity to train another person when it comes to their career, it is effectively on the job training for this other person.

There was a judgement coming up within myself that ‘this person is lazy, they do not care, they do not want to do anything, they have no initiative, they are liars.’ I find myself fearing to tell them what to do, I fear standing within my own authority and directing them, instead just being silently angry and frustrated, saying to myself ‘why won’t they just get the picture here’.

There is the fear of offending, hurting, and upsetting them by my harsh words, like ‘don't do that, stop doing that, do this, do it like this’. The fear of them backchatting about me comes up, as if they are somehow capable of bullying me with their words and general dislike of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of training other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect training people to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of this person as being lazy because they are not doing everything that everybody else is doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that a trainee has to be doing exactly what I am doing in the way that I am doing it because if they are not - they are failing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such a standard exist within me where i am basically saying ‘it is either my way or the highway’ not seeing, realising, and understanding that in most professions this is actually the case.

Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘be soft’ and ‘understanding’ and ‘hopeful that this person will somehow change by and of themselves, not seeing, realising, or understanding that a certain amount of prep work has to be done first, they need to be able to stand before they can walk, and walk before they can run.

Thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that it is not about being soft or hard, but rather it is simply about saying it like it is, there does not need to be any emotional attachment to it, it simply is.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of telling them what to do and how to do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect telling them what to do and how to do it to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear, within this not seeing, realising, or understanding that they cannot know what they have not been exposed too.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of directing them consistently in each moment that I am seeing that they need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect directing them in each and every moment that I see they need it to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of offending, hurting, or upsetting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect offending, hurting, or upsetting them to fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that their offence, hurt, or upset is nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. And thus I do not accept and allow any grudges they hold against me to affect how I am with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of them backchatting about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect them backchatting about me to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being verbally bullied behind my back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being verbally bullied behind my back to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see myself as in the moment watching something happening with the trainees that I see is not being done correctly, in that moment questioning whether I should say something, fearing a reaction from them for ‘speaking against’ what they are doing, I stop and I breathe - I will myself to see, realise, and understand that there can be no progress if I simply allow something improper to continue, that by hoping that they will just learn, or that somebody else will step in and take charge is the way in which things get left alone, and bad practice is allowed to fester. Thus I take a step back and see if I can interject in that moment, and if not in that moment a later one, where I can say to them in common sense and without and fear, sympathy, anger, or frustration what it is they could do better, and how exactly it is they should do it. To shed the skin of sensitivities that I have been wearing my whole life and speak common sense and nothing but.