Tuesday 7 March 2017

Day 24 - Coming Home

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must 'come home to something'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that 'when one comes home from work, one must 'play'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus participate in the belief that I must come home to drugs, alcohol or excessive eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that without these things my life will not be 'fun'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must have something interesting to do in my 'down time'. Secretly comparing and contrasting myself to my ideas of what I believe other human beings are like. 'I gotta go out drinking, smoking , I gotta be with people, I have to be laughing, I have to look as if I have a 'life'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with movies and tv shows that I find on the internet, not seeing, realising, or understanding how I am using these things as I used to use drugs and alcohol, as a way to not have to deal with what is really here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have addicted myself to movies and entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that these things are 'fun' and that they can 'bring' me fun. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that they are tools of my own self-suppression and methods by which I ignore myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that no matter how much I delve into these things, I am always eventually left with myself, the drugs wear off, it is too much of a hassle to have more, the movies do not entertain as much, there is no point of watching anything else, the friends and social circles become less fulfilling, I don't see them as much. And I have to come back to myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that I am not actually present while I am working, I wish to be somewhere else, I think of all the stuff I will do when I get home, I am not really here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that being here is being cool with myself, not wanting for more, not needing to be anywhere else but here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that even if I were to in these moments within my day, desire to be somewhere else, someone else, if I was to magically find myself in that place, as that person - I would still be looking to the next place to get too, there isn't really an end .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the belief that 'there is somewhere to get too...some objective to be found' - not seeing or realising that I have programmed this belief into myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that in life I must be a success, in this case defining success as being the ability to show to others that I have accomplished in life, that I have money and prestige and that I am not poor and unimportant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being poor and unimportant. I forgive myself for connecting poor and unimportant to fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
And because of this I do not really appreciate just being here with myself, whether it is at work, at home, or anywhere else in the world.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that coming home is a physical movement of myself from one place to another, I am only moving places physically; there isn't a need to 'do' anything, there is no 'special action' that I need to take to make this movement meaningful. There is no meaning in it, hence no need to seek out 'play'.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I must do something interesting in my 'downtime' because it is the time I am not 'working' I stop and I breathe, and I realise that there is no 'off time' and 'on time', there is only time and what I choose to do within it. Thus I do not have to limit myself to this belief that I 'must do something'.

I will myself to see that there are other things besides intoxication and entertainment that I can discover. I see that I am enjoying planting and discovering new locations where I live, realising that there are a variety of physical hobbies that I can take up.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I have been using movies and entertainment in the same manner that I have been using drugs, as an intoxicating escape from the here and now. I will myself to see and realise that at the end of the jaunt I am still left with myself, that no matter how much I try to entertain myself away, the entertainment becomes less entertaining, and I need more and more to get a ‘fix’.

I thus will myself to practice and explore what being present with myself means in reality, what working in breath means for me and what the effects are of being ‘here’ wherever I go.

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