Day 15 - Comparison

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of my position at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that there are those that are better than me because they are in a higher position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in offence when somebody says to me ‘you’re not even my teacher, you are just an assistant’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a covering up of my emotional reactions with the words ‘I do not care what you say’, when really I do deeply care what they say because this is evident in my initial reaction.

Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger at hearing somebody say I am just an assistant, not seeing, realising, or understanding that my anger comes from my own self acceptance of a judgement that I hold about myself which is that ‘I am in a low position, and hence I am inferior’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have somewhat secretly been judging myself for my position in life, thinking and believing that ‘I have not made it as I imagined I would’ and that I ‘am not as successful as I wanted to be’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a comparing of myself to others in my family and my life where I have seen and assumed that other people are living a better quality of life than me, that they have more than me, more education, more money, more status, more everything.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have defined myself according to materialism without even realising that I have done so, believing myself to be past ‘all of that’, believing that ‘things’ do not define who I am, when in actuality when I see someone with more I feel angry and jealous, and from this first moment I start down the road of comparing until I have forgotten about them or they are not in my life anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by money, not even seeing, realising, or understanding that I have done this, or how I have done this.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realise and understand that it is by my very acceptance and allowance of money as the most important point of life that I have created it as an entity outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself to not see, realise, and understand that I have developed myself and understand that I have devalued myself as life by placing my self worth outside of myself in other constructs and other people, not realising that every time I do and did this I am in fact creating a fissure within myself whereby I am stating to myself that I am not worthy, that I am not life, completely disregarding the fact that life is given equally to all, that we are essentially the same, that all notions of higher and lower begin and end with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a reaction towards people who name me as being lower, who ‘call out my position’ in a derogatory way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in that moment perceive myself as being compared to those around me, by those around me, not seeing, realising, nor understanding that I have created this drama in my head, and that actual real life does not live up to these delusions of inferiority.

When and as I see myself as looking at somebody from the perspective of judging their qualities and then from here going into self comparison and self judgement I stop and I breathe. And I will myself to compare the two scenarios of when I am in comparison and when I am not, to see, realise, and understand that living a life without comparison is not only more preferable but also more practical - as there is no enslavement to anger, jealousy, and inferiority, thus freeing myself into a whole new world beyond that of this extremely limiting and self defeating design that I choose to participate in. I will myself to expose the points in writing that I still hold onto and to then to release myself through self forgiveness of the points that I see.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand how comparison begins and ends with me