Monday 6 June 2016

Day 14 - I am afraid I will change

I am afraid of taking that quantum leap into total self-forgiveness, total self- commitment. Total devotion to myself. I have been afraid of ‘making too much of a change’...that ‘this will be traumatic if I change too quickly’...’better to do it slowly than rush into it’...’I am afraid of changing’...that ‘I will piss people off around me too much if I change too suddenly’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not doing self forgiveness on my ‘designated self-forgiveness day’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not doing self forgiveness’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone that has a designated ‘self-forgiveness day’, not seeing, realising, or understanding how I am limiting myself absolutely by choosing to only do self-forgiveness on the day that i talk with my buddy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that if I do a few self forgiveness statements, then I can go and watch and/or eat something as a reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must reward myself for doing self-forgiveness or anything process related. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘process’ to reward, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reward my own reward. I see that the reward at the beginning and the end are both not real, my desire for it is not real, and it is not real when I am apparently rewarding myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that i can reward myself for things that I have done, not fully seeing, realising, or understanding that I am in fact justifying another moment when I am not here fully with breath, breathing in and out with awareness of who I am as my ideal self. Bullshitting myself into a corner/box so that I can go into my mind further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a total self commitment to myself  because I believe that it will be hard. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that this process will be hard for me.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear process,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘ process’  to fear, forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that these words that I say to myself like ‘better not move too quickly, no need to rush, you don’t want to change too quickly’ are all part of my own mind delusion, my mind shackling that seeks to keep me within my current patterns and structures.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that these excuses, this unwillingness to change, is all me. And within this I have separated myself from myself, creating almost a different entity within myself that gives me an excuse to not change who I am. Thus through understanding that this is all coming from me, I can now stop and direct these moments, because I am seeing that it is just me trying to hang onto myself, to hang onto my identity that I have built for myself.

What am I really afraid of losing here? I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I have everything to gain from jumping right into my process and indeed I have nothing to lose except my fear that I have of reality and my thoughts and beliefs that hold me back from achieving my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a belief that this will just happen one day, and that I will not have to work to change who I am and live the ideal version of myself.

I will myself to write everyday, this is my commitment to myself, because I see that when I do not/am not writing, shit just accumulates to the point where I really don’t want to face it, hence no reason to carry on accumulating, I can just chip away at myself every day, until I start falling away, until there is nothing left.

I will myself to see that this fear of causing reactions within people is just another excuse that I use to hang on, to not live, to not have to do anything with myself.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand how there is a delight that comes from getting to know myself, from releasing myself from me and from the constraints I have put on me, that I do not need to just ride the highs between writing, feeling still when I have written, and slowly coming back down to my mind level, and then writing again, like going up and down all the time. I will myself to see that I can reach a point of consistency within myself all the time, and that i do not need to just give myself ‘booster shots’ of writing, I thus will myself to investigate myself through writing, forgive myself, correct myself, and begin the process of living the correction in each moment of my existence..

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