Monday 13 June 2016

Day 15 - Comparison

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of my position at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that there are those that are better than me because they are in a higher position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in offence when somebody says to me ‘you’re not even my teacher, you are just an assistant’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a covering up of my emotional reactions with the words ‘I do not care what you say’, when really I do deeply care what they say because this is evident in my initial reaction.

Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger at hearing somebody say I am just an assistant, not seeing, realising, or understanding that my anger comes from my own self acceptance of a judgement that I hold about myself which is that ‘I am in a low position, and hence I am inferior’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have somewhat secretly been judging myself for my position in life, thinking and believing that ‘I have not made it as I imagined I would’ and that I ‘am not as successful as I wanted to be’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a comparing of myself to others in my family and my life where I have seen and assumed that other people are living a better quality of life than me, that they have more than me, more education, more money, more status, more everything.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have defined myself according to materialism without even realising that I have done so, believing myself to be past ‘all of that’, believing that ‘things’ do not define who I am, when in actuality when I see someone with more I feel angry and jealous, and from this first moment I start down the road of comparing until I have forgotten about them or they are not in my life anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by money, not even seeing, realising, or understanding that I have done this, or how I have done this.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see realise and understand that it is by my very acceptance and allowance of money as the most important point of life that I have created it as an entity outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself to not see, realise, and understand that I have developed myself and understand that I have devalued myself as life by placing my self worth outside of myself in other constructs and other people, not realising that every time I do and did this I am in fact creating a fissure within myself whereby I am stating to myself that I am not worthy, that I am not life, completely disregarding the fact that life is given equally to all, that we are essentially the same, that all notions of higher and lower begin and end with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a reaction towards people who name me as being lower, who ‘call out my position’ in a derogatory way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in that moment perceive myself as being compared to those around me, by those around me, not seeing, realising, nor understanding that I have created this drama in my head, and that actual real life does not live up to these delusions of inferiority.

When and as I see myself as looking at somebody from the perspective of judging their qualities and then from here going into self comparison and self judgement I stop and I breathe. And I will myself to compare the two scenarios of when I am in comparison and when I am not, to see, realise, and understand that living a life without comparison is not only more preferable but also more practical - as there is no enslavement to anger, jealousy, and inferiority, thus freeing myself into a whole new world beyond that of this extremely limiting and self defeating design that I choose to participate in. I will myself to expose the points in writing that I still hold onto and to then to release myself through self forgiveness of the points that I see.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand how comparison begins and ends with me

Monday 6 June 2016

Day 14 - I am afraid I will change

I am afraid of taking that quantum leap into total self-forgiveness, total self- commitment. Total devotion to myself. I have been afraid of ‘making too much of a change’...that ‘this will be traumatic if I change too quickly’...’better to do it slowly than rush into it’...’I am afraid of changing’...that ‘I will piss people off around me too much if I change too suddenly’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not doing self forgiveness on my ‘designated self-forgiveness day’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not doing self forgiveness’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone that has a designated ‘self-forgiveness day’, not seeing, realising, or understanding how I am limiting myself absolutely by choosing to only do self-forgiveness on the day that i talk with my buddy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that if I do a few self forgiveness statements, then I can go and watch and/or eat something as a reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must reward myself for doing self-forgiveness or anything process related. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘process’ to reward, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reward my own reward. I see that the reward at the beginning and the end are both not real, my desire for it is not real, and it is not real when I am apparently rewarding myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that i can reward myself for things that I have done, not fully seeing, realising, or understanding that I am in fact justifying another moment when I am not here fully with breath, breathing in and out with awareness of who I am as my ideal self. Bullshitting myself into a corner/box so that I can go into my mind further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a total self commitment to myself  because I believe that it will be hard. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that this process will be hard for me.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear process,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘ process’  to fear, forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that these words that I say to myself like ‘better not move too quickly, no need to rush, you don’t want to change too quickly’ are all part of my own mind delusion, my mind shackling that seeks to keep me within my current patterns and structures.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that these excuses, this unwillingness to change, is all me. And within this I have separated myself from myself, creating almost a different entity within myself that gives me an excuse to not change who I am. Thus through understanding that this is all coming from me, I can now stop and direct these moments, because I am seeing that it is just me trying to hang onto myself, to hang onto my identity that I have built for myself.

What am I really afraid of losing here? I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I have everything to gain from jumping right into my process and indeed I have nothing to lose except my fear that I have of reality and my thoughts and beliefs that hold me back from achieving my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a belief that this will just happen one day, and that I will not have to work to change who I am and live the ideal version of myself.

I will myself to write everyday, this is my commitment to myself, because I see that when I do not/am not writing, shit just accumulates to the point where I really don’t want to face it, hence no reason to carry on accumulating, I can just chip away at myself every day, until I start falling away, until there is nothing left.

I will myself to see that this fear of causing reactions within people is just another excuse that I use to hang on, to not live, to not have to do anything with myself.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand how there is a delight that comes from getting to know myself, from releasing myself from me and from the constraints I have put on me, that I do not need to just ride the highs between writing, feeling still when I have written, and slowly coming back down to my mind level, and then writing again, like going up and down all the time. I will myself to see that I can reach a point of consistency within myself all the time, and that i do not need to just give myself ‘booster shots’ of writing, I thus will myself to investigate myself through writing, forgive myself, correct myself, and begin the process of living the correction in each moment of my existence..

Sunday 5 June 2016

Day 13 - OCD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of not having locked the doors properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect not locking the doors properly to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate i the belief that I have not locked something properly if I have not checked it a dozen times over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am checking because ‘something may have happened between my last check, and this very moment - something may have changed, the lock may have broken and become unfunctional - hence I must check it again’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly participate in the thought that something could have changed within the locking mechanism since the last moment I checked it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘I have a responsibility to check these doors and locks, for if I do not check them properly something bad may happen, and then I will be responsible for it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of not having locked my bicycle properly, not seeing, realising, or understanding that within all of these situations I can and have seen that the door, window, padlock, lock, has all be locked effectively and properly, hence there is no need to check it, but I allow myself to participate in the niggling thought ‘perhaps I didn’t do it right this time?’

Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a second guessing of myself when it comes to locking up a place or a thing in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of the front door not being locked properly, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the front door not being locked properly to fear, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of the key being left in the door and someone taking and copying it, and then later breaking into my house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the key being left in the door to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief locks need to be checked a lot of times before I can deem them safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being held responsible for something that I am ‘in charge’ of locking up, fearing that I will be seen as someone who is not able to take responsibility for things effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of losing my job if I do not lock up properly.

When and as I see myself participating in the act of checking a door, window, lock, or padlock more than 3 times because I fear that it is not closed properly - I stop and I breathe. I will myself to slow down at what i have physically done, and to then stop and move on to the next thing that needs to be locked. I will myself to stop second guessing myself through seeing, realising, and understanding that I have done what I was supposed to do - that there is nothing else that can be done, and that hanging around and constantly checking is not going to change the fact that the door, window, lock, or padlock is Locked.

When and as I see myself participating in the thought ‘but what if I have not done it right this time?’ - I stop and I breathe. I will myself to see, realise, and understand that this fear is all me, and within this to realise that there is no use second guessing myself if I have already checked the thing a few times, it does not need to be checked again five more times, this is only showing me that I have become possessed with fear.