Day 8 - Standing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of ‘standing up’ and taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that standing means taking responsibility for myself and other people and things. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that this point of taking responsibility for myself-people-things is connected to standing, though it is not ‘standing’ as the real life definition of the word.

Hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘taking responsibility’ to the definition of ‘standing’ as ‘position, status, and reputation’ - seeing, realising, and understanding that the three things that these words share is responsibility, as responsibility or lack thereof is implied within these words, but it’s definition does not rest solely in this word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that standing means having to do ‘the hard things in life’. Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘standing’ to ‘hard things in life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that life is either ‘hard’ or ‘‘easy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect life to the polarity of hard and easy, not seeing, realising, or understanding that Life is Life, and that my experience of hard and easy comes from myself as the acceptance or resistance of certain moments, such as a resistance to doing new things in my life - this resistance is based on a fear of the unknown - or when I am very accepting of an experience due to familiarity and trust. I am seeing that both of these points of resistance and acceptance are mind-games I play with myself, as I see and realise that they are just opinions (and are ever changing) and that I am the author of my opinions in every way. I will myself to see, realise, and understand that my opinions can never be trusted - as they do not come from a place of common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must be a breadwinner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must be a provider.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of ‘providing’ for others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘providing for others’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of myself because I can see that I do not provide as much for my family as other cousins and relations do for theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self anguish at not ‘standing up’ to the level of money and prestige they have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having position, status, or reputation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect position, status, and reputation to fear, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear, seeing, realising, and understanding that my fear of having actual real standing in the world is my fear of taking full responsibility. And furthermore that this fear is not real in any sense other than a mind sense. And even further more that my fear of taking responsibility rests on my fear of failing.

Thus when and as I see myself as refusing responsibility out of a fear that ‘I will not be able to do it, I will fail somehow, I am not good/worthy enough’ I stop and I breathe. I will myself to see how this self talk is inhibiting me from achieving my utmost potential, because if I do not step up to things in my life, if I do not ‘step up to the plate’ and instead allow fear of failure to guide me out of doing something that would have otherwise expanded me, then I have lost an opportunity for self growth. And this I will not accept or allow.

I will myself to fully see, realise, and understand that the image I hold of my other affluent family members is not truly an image of who and what they are, I see them as successful, having money, having ease of life - not actually seeing that these are all my projections - and that they cannot not match up to how they are actually experiencing themselves - because I cannot truly tell. Thus I cannot compare myself with them in anyway because I do not actually know what they are going through themselves. I will myself to see that the thought ‘because they have money they must be happy’ is not to be trusted and that this comparison serves no purpose other than to limit me.