For the most part I could agree that when my mother used to say things like ‘what are you doing with all your time? I would respond by saying something to the effect of ‘I am working, I am working hard, leave me alone, I know what I am doing’. This was all a fabrication of course, I wasn’t in fact working hard at all and I didn’t really know what I was doing.
Later in life I started down the road of business, it was a new thing for me and many interesting things were and still are happening. I was then confronted with these words in some similar form, and I again found myself becoming angry.
I would receives questions like ‘you’re spending all this time doing this, what will come of it?...Why don’t you get a more stable job?...When will you start seeing the reward’. The last one I became particularly irritable towards as I saw myself as a sort of humble hero - thinking to myself ‘I’m not in it for the money geez!’. When in actual fact I was totally in it for the money. She had again inadvertently identified my weak point, and blew off my proverbial legs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when hearing my mother say to me ‘what are you doing with all this time?’ Going into the belief that she is trying to say that I am not doing enough and that I am being lazy, not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am actually stating to myself ‘I am lazy’ or ‘I am not making the most of my time’ because I can see that I am reacting to her words - and when I react to her words I am demonstrating to myself that I have taken her words personally, ergo I have revealed to myself that I think and believe that what she is saying about me is true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the excuse of ‘I am working’ when in reality I am not working, but am using these words as justification for doing my own thing - allowing myself to be lost in a realm of entertainment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am working hard, not seeing, realising, or understanding that within this statement I am giving myself permission to fulfil the other side of this polarity, which is ‘to not work hard’, and so I allow myself to cycle between these states of apparent ‘hard work’ and then ‘justified reward’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I know what I am doing when I say the words ‘I know what I am doing’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in offence at my mother asking me the question ‘what are you doing with all this time?’, believing that because I am now involved in business - my life has direction and meaning, and that she is completely unjustified in saying this, not seeing, realising, or understanding that in taking offence and becoming angry I am demonstrating to myself that I am not actually living these words, that I am not really having this direction and purpose in my life even though I say to myself and others that I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger when I hear my mother saying to me ‘what are you doing with this time? What is coming of it? Why don't you get a more stable job?’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not having anything to show for all the apparent ‘hard work’ I have put in, seeing, realising, and understanding that I am not actually doing this ‘hard work’ that I say to others I am doing, and so when I hear someone ‘call me out’ I react with anger and offence because I can see that I have not been applying myself as much as I say I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am a humble hero when it comes to my work practice, that I am doing ‘all of this’ for the sake and benefit of others, to the point where I say to myself ‘I am not in it for the money’, not seeing, realising, and understanding that ‘the money’ is all I have ever been ‘in it’ for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in despair whenever my mother pushes my buttons, not seeing or realising that she is actually showing to me what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself, that everything I react too, I have created and accepted as within myself, that every time I say ‘but’ there is in fact a point that I am holding onto as a definition point that I hold about myself.
When and as I see myself participating in a belief that I am justified in my reaction of anger towards somebody asking me ‘where all my time goes’ I stop and slow down and breathe and see and realise that these ideas of hard work and justified reward are a polarity that I am choosing to accept, allow, and play out in my life. I will myself to stop and forgive myself whenever I see myself thinking and participating in these patterns, and to breathe and forgive until they are no more, to actually begin to take authority over me in not allowing myself to be subject to these thoughts, feelings, emotions, and backchats that I have taken to be who I am.
Thus I will myself to investigate and live the word authority in my life, authority in taking of standing up to my mind, of investigating, of writing, of doing self forgiveness and of living my corrections in life. To really investigate all things within myself and see the why’s and how’s of who I am so that I can truly get to know myself and live myself as natural expression, and not just a programmed robot.
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