Sunday 27 March 2016

Day 3 - My Family. My Cult. My Design SF and SCS


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that I must be a slave to my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must do everything for my family because they did everything for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am indebted to my family for all the things they have ‘done’ for me in terms of my existence and survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear for my parents survival while growing up, connecting my parents survival to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of not listening to my mother for fear of causing her stress and her dying, connecting her dying through stress to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words ‘do you want me to die?’ With fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words ‘do you want me to die’ to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to do things for myself, like cook, make money, go out and buy necessities, etc. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect independence to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that not knowing something is not a permanent state, and that anything can be learnt through dedicated practice and application of oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to belief that I owe them for bringing me up - that I have a debt to pay to them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I ‘must’ pay the bills and ‘look after things’, not seeing, realising, or understanding that these are simply responsibilities that everyone needs to face within the current system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take these responsibilities personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as competition towards and within my family structure, believing that I must show that I am better in all ways to those who are within my family as well as my world, as the I see that I have not allowed the competition to simply end at the family boundary, but that I have extended to everyone else in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at being compared to other people in my family or world by my parents. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my parents for placing me against other people, and showing disappointment when I do not pass the mark.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger towards my parents when I see them respond in jubilation when I have passed or exceeded their expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up the race within myself because I could see everyone else passing me, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I do not have to race for the sake of others, and that everything I do, I can do for myself, not allowing myself to be concerned with how others perceive my progress but only focusing on me and on who I am within what I do. Asking myself the question, am I doing this for others sakes? Or am I doing this for myself? To further myself and expand myself within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that I must be in a rageful rebellion against the world and all those who have surpassed me not seeing, realising, or understanding that I am in a rageful rebellion against myself in the truest sense of the words, as I am fighting with my own self, setting up my own limitations and own pass marks, and bullying myself when I do not live up to the standards that I have made within myself.

Thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to set myself up to fail, because when one compares themselves to another in this sense and in this way, then failure is the only outcome, as one will always find something better in the other that makes one feel low and inferior, and eventually angry and rageful, and then one does not want to do anything that could further their own potential because ‘what’s the point?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit on the fence about most things that happen in my family because I believe it is all based on emotional nonsense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents as stupid for having participated in the dramas of life to the extent to which they have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that it is my right to be able to abstain from family matters as long as I keep bringing in money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of talking to them on any real level because I fear being dragged into their world of what is right and wrong, what is holy and unholy, what should and should not be done. Not seeing, realising, nor understanding that I can still talk to them in a real way, not just automatically - without emotionally involving myself. I forgive myself for connecting becoming emotionally involved to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of my parents not being able to look after themselves at all, connecting my parents not being able to look after themselves to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the sole provider for my family, connecting being the sole provider to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear for my family's survival, allowing myself to connect my family's survival to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of and for my family. Allowing myself to connect the whole idea of my family to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear. Not seeing, realising, or understanding how everything that I do within my family structure is based upon a fear of something, and that these fears are not real but also considering that they have taken much time to manifest and so will take time to walk out of breath by breath, always remaining here.


I will myself to see, realise, and understand that everything I do, I do for myself, I breathe, I write, I forgive myself. I work, I eat, I speak, I sleep. I direct myself live the realisation and understanding that I am not a slave to my family unless I allow myself to be trapped in the fear of family. Thus when and as I see myself as fearing for the sake of my family, I stop and I breathe and I see and realise and understand that This is what makes me a slave to them, a slave to the family construct.

And so I will myself to stop, forgive, and correct the fear for/of family in all its forms until it is done and finished and they are no more.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand how everything can be learnt, and that I need not fear not knowing something.

When and as I see myself as faced with a new responsibility, I stop and I breathe,l and I allow myself a  moment to take in this new point and see whether or not it is something that I can take on in self honesty, to not allow myself to simply take it on because ‘that is how it has always been’ but to look and assess, and then decide and act. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others will think of me if I say ‘no’ to some responsibility, connecting what other people think of me when I say ‘no’ to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see myself comparing myself to other human being either in my family or world, I stop and I breathe. I will myself to see, realise, and understand that we are all equal through substance, and that when I allow myself to go into jealousy or anger when I see that someone has ‘more’ than me, I am saying to myself that I have given myself permission to limit my horizons within this world. Because within this statement of comparison I am giving up my ability to expand myself further, allowing myself to go into the belief that I can never reach that point that this other being is at, just because I am not there right now. Hence I see and realise that within these moments I am sabotaging myself, where I could have expanded myself and begun a new process of self development..

When and as I see myself talking to my family from a starting point of automation and thinking that it would be weird to stop and take a step back and take a breath - I stop and I breathe, I will myself to see, realise, and understand that the weirdness I feel is all me, it is me being concerned with how I appear in the eyes of others and as such it is just another fear that serves to keep me inside a severely limited realm of validation.

I will myself to expose to myself the extent to which fear dominates me on a moment to moment basis, to investigate and expunge through self forgiveness, and to correct myself in the best way possible, living the best version of me that is free from fear and limitations.

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