Day 23 - Success Drug

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am a living being in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I exist as a hope in the future somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I can only exist in the future and not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of living my utmost potential, because I fear that I will not be able to move myself to take the steps necessary to make change happen in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of taking steps, not seeing, realising, or understanding that steps can only be taken one at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn 'taking steps' into something which should be feared - fearing that I will not be able to make these steps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that taking steps into the unknown is difficult, because I have never done it before.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that the same process is at work here and that I only can take one step at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of taking the wrong steps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to thrive in my current existence as I am now, not seeing realising, or understanding that I need nothing but the air around me to take a thriving breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to take these thriving breaths one after the other continuously forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on the hope that I have created in my mind, that says to me 'all I have to do is wait and things will get better by themselves'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life as being something within which I have to be successful at, not seeing or realising that success is a word that cannot be attributable to life.

That life is life,

unbounded and unconstrained,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life must have some meaning to it - that otherwise it is not life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life must have some meaning to it, not seeing, realising, or understanding that meaning is irrelevant to life, life simply exists without it.

Life exists simply, and in simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that simple is stupid, and that one cannot be recognised or achieve anything if one is simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this desire to be recognised.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that wanting recognition is straying away from simplicity and thus away from life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I have placed my trust in my mind, that I have trusted it to tell me what it is that I want in life- not ever stopping to consider that my mind might not be so trustworthy when it comes to telling me how to live my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just existing

in my early days of smoking weed or doing drugs, I would always understand that point that I would fear being just here by myself

I would say to myself 'oh, that is something that I will do tomorrow, it is something that I can do at any time'

'why bother being with myself now'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always wait until tomorrow to do something instead of doing that thing now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things now, here, and today - because I believe it would be too fast for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going fast in anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is better to always takes one’s time with things, not seeing, realising, or understanding that this is not always true and cannot be applied as a blanket statement for everything that comes up in life.

Day 22 - Wanting to be worshipped

I have this memory from when I was a kid. We were all in our usual day to day interactions and I remember looking up to this other guy as such a ‘cool person’. Everyone was listening to him and ‘paying’ him attention. I remember wanting to be like this guy. And I remember seeing him in a moment when he went against other people’s decisions, like he was going against the flow of what was deemed to be ‘cool’ and/or ‘acceptable’. I think to myself in this moment that this is the ‘special technique’ to garner that ‘special attention’, this tactic of using the words ‘I’m going to do this a different way’...’because I am going to show you that my way is better’ is what I have been doing my whole life.

I’ve always liked to stray off the trail, to ‘show it can be done’. To do the uncanny and go into a different direction. This need to ‘show off’ again being used to collect on the other person’s good will and love. Because that is what I saw in that moment, this other person getting so much love, and that is what I have wanted since that day.

So sometimes this technique will work, and sometimes it won’t. When it does, it does not really go as I hope  (that people start worshipping me) - people kind of just look at you begrudgingly and if anything you make them really dislike you - because ‘nobody likes a show off’. And when it doesn’t work in your favour - you get laughed at, which is not so bad if one also enjoys having this kind of attention.

So if this desire for love and attention did not exist before this moment in my early youth, what came before? I can see that I was still there. But this comparison game, and wanting to be like, and wanting to be special, and wanting to be loved, was not. And all was fine in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate another person getting more attention than everyone else is a thing to be had, a treasure to be won.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that everybody in the group is ‘paying’ him attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in wanting to be like this person and ‘be liked’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the acting out of what I believe to be his behaviours.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that going against the dominant flow is what makes one ‘cool’ and ‘special’, believing that it would lead to that special kind of attention where people appear to ‘love’ you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for ‘techniques’ in the words and behaviours of other people. Leading myself into what I believed I would be able to make as my ideal image of myself.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a belief that I must actively do something different when it comes to my engagements with other people, I must appear different and revolutionary, and I must appear ‘right’ in doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that i like to ‘stray off the trail’ - that this is the type of person I am, not seeing, realising, or understanding that this is not actually who I am, and that this is simply a script that I have taken from this other person, a script that I have been repeating to myself over and over in an effort to have a life like him and be worshipped, trying to be something that I am not, believing that I must sculpt myself as the image of others because otherwise I won’t have anybody worshipping me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that going into a different direction without any regard to what that direction is, just doing it because it is different, is without any direction and is just movement from a starting point of wanting to be ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very early age attempt to collect on the Goodwill and love of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind in that moment where I believed that this other person was getting so much love and attention, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I was not really looking at the moment clearly and lacked the ability to articulate what was happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to use this technique of wanting/needing to be different so that I can set myself apart from others, so that I can make myself special.

I forgive myself that I have not even accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I want people to worship me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that how I wish it were in my mind - is not how it has ever happened in reality, and if it has kind of happened and I have managed to gain some special ‘worship attention’ from someone in my reality - it is never the exactly how I wanted it, and thus it is never satisfying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that being at the centre of attention, being famous, being loved and liked, being worshipped, can lead me to be a satisfied human being. Not ever actually questioning the nature of this satisfaction within and as myself.

The same goes for when I see other people who are like me, but are enhanced versions, better jobs, money, house, car, looks, girlfriend, family, etc. It is like I am worshipping them in my mind, but I am hating them at the same time. I secretly wish that the roles were reversed and I was in their place.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a showing off of myself, not seeing, realising, or understanding that this does not bring me happiness and satisfaction like I think it does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being laughed at, because this is also a form of attention giving where I can ‘soak it all in’.

I forgive myself that I have secretly accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that all types of attention are good attention - that all publicity is good publicity.

When and as I see myself as going into this mindset of ‘I have to be different, I have to do it cool, I have to do something in a way that nobody else is doing it’ - I will myself to stop and to breathe - and I place the question what is the best way I can do this in this moment that does not compromise me by allowing me to follow a certain path that I believe will give me ego gratification through other people’s attention.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that we were all in our own minds in that moment, that all of us saw some qualities in this other person that we all liked, like confidence and their use of words and sound, the way they held themselves as a being - all of which were inspiring. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that back then I did not have the understanding that I have now (which would be to investigate what it is I need to do to become that expression)  - all I saw was a person that had something that I didn’t - and that I wanted what they had in the form of attention. And so I tried my best to mimic them so that I could get to that experience of myself, not actually seeing that this experience of myself that I wanted to have was all make-believe.

When and as I see myself participating in the desire to have things ‘be’ a certain way, as in the image I have in my mind of how I would like people to see me, how I would like them to like me, how I would like to replicate this moment that I saw this other person being worshipped - I stop and I breathe - and I will myself to see, realise, and understand that even when this has supposedly happened to me, and I have garnered this special worshipping attention - it has never been what I expected and wanted it to be, it always left a bad taste in my mouth. I will myself to see and realise that one cannot have this special kind of attention without creating a reaction in other people, the love is not always real love and it is always followed up in some way by hate, jealousy, and spite. Thus I am expecting people to give me this unconditional love when actually I am creating an environment in which I bring out the worst in people. I can no longer expect to create these ‘positive attention environments’ without also creating their polar opposites.

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Day 21 - Following other peoples decisions

While growing up I always thought that I didn’t have to think of anything hard - like my life career choice, I always assumed it would just appear before me and at the very least I would be able to copy the life choices of those who came before me. Namely my brother who became a teacher.

I believed that ‘if he can do this job, so can I’. This meant for me that I did not have to think about what I would be when I grew up, that if ‘things didn’t work out’ or if some job/prospect did not ‘fall into place’ I would revert to what his choices were, a failsafe.

Now that I am within this profession I see that it is not what I actually want to do, I do not see myself living my utmost potential through this job of teaching others. And so now there is a stuckness that I am experiencing within myself, a fear that it is too late to change course and that I am going to be in this profession for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that thinking about a career choice is a hard thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of choosing a career path because I believe that I will be stuck in that one career path for all eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making a career choice to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that making a career choice is not a permanent phenomena, and that one can change at any time that they wish.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have been trapping myself within this belief that it is impossible to change course after one has set sailed, seeing now that this absolutely not the case and that course corrections and readjustments can be made, indeed one can turn around completely if one wished to do so, it just means turning around.

I hence forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave all these ‘hard’ decisions to other people who have come before me, other people who have already made these decisions with ‘success’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that my life would simply unfold before my eyes - that I would not have to ‘do’ anything to ‘make’ anything happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a waiting game where I am just waiting for things to happen in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my elder brothers life as a template for how my life ‘should’ be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘if he can do this job, so can I’, using this as a justification for not having to investigate what it is that I want to do in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that because someone else has already tread upon a particular path, that it means that I can just follow their lead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I can just do ‘whatever’ with my life and if ‘things do not work out’ i.e. I do not find something that I want to do that I can simply use this other person’s decisions - not having to make any decisions for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the teaching profession as a failsafe for any failure to do other things in my career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of making choices within a group, for fear that I will lead them into some kind of wrong decision, and that I will be held responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making a decision within a group and having it turn out that the decisions I made were wrong and being held accountable for these decisions - to fear, so I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a depression with my current career path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having failed at being successful in my life because I am not making enough money and am not in a ‘respected’ job’, not seeing, realising, nor understanding that within all of this I can see that I am not living my utmost potential in terms of work, that I know I can do better - and so it is not so much about being in a low paid, less respected position but rather that I am aware that there is more that I can do with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of being stuck in my position - that there is nowhere else for me to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that there is no way I can change my career path, not seeing, realising, or understanding that careers can be changed at nearly any time, and that all I need do is resolve myself to take the steps necessary to make the change happen in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of not having enough money if I went back to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not having enough money if I go back to study’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being stuck in the teaching profession for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘being stuck in the teaching profession for the rest of my life’ to fear, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that changing course is as simple as it is to change the direction I am walking in - I need only move and to see and realise and understand that my fears of it being ‘too hard’ or ‘undoable’ are merely my own conditioning that I have given to myself where I have repeated these words ‘I cannot change my profession because that would be too difficult’ over and over.

When and as I see myself as going into this space of believing that things will work out for me and that I will find what I need to find ‘automatically’ I stop and I breathe and I will myself to see, realise, and understand that this is not actually how reality works, shit does not just happen, and anything that does happen has had a previous physical cause, such as the fact that one has to work towards a qualification before they can be qualified. I see and realise wishing for things to happen by and of themselves is a ‘get out of responsibility clause’ that I have used on myself, that I have ‘spelled’ on myself so that I dupe myself into believing that I can get away with doing nothing with my life, where I give myself permission to just float along.

I will myself to see that I have not failed at being successful, rather I have limited my potential by allowing myself to first compare myself to others, and then within that comparison I have not allowed myself to see who I am within all of this, thus not seeing or realising what the essence of my potential really is, not seeing what I am good at and what I thrive at because I have been clouding my vision with this idea I have of success, not ever really investigating what it is that I am naturally attuned to - and how I can make that natural expression of me into an actual, real, successful career.

Day 20 - Crying in a corner

I remember those moments of crying a a kid. It was a very extreme fear, confusion, terror, anguish, anger, lots of things. I would always go into the corner of a room and wail as loud as my voice would allow me, there was no choice back then, I did not know what was going on, or what to do about it.

Strangely these memories of being shouted at/tormented by parents is not something that was at the forefront of my memories, but they were always there in the background - I just forgot them along the way until looking into the nature of my confrontations with people, and how I had always teared up when angrily confronting/being confronted by someone.

I remember my early life being full of ecstatic things, there was great ups, I used to like going out to places. However it seems that this time in my life was always punctuated by ‘the next time I would get shouted at by my parents’. I don’t know exactly when the fear came about (it felt like it was always there), but I get the impression that back then I was always waiting for the next big standoff, always expecting it in a way; ‘it’s been a long while since mum and/or dad shouted at me for something, it will be time for the next round soon’.

So, the moment would come when I was out of line, or did something wrong by accident, or broke somebody’s something and the shouting started, and I went to go cry into the corner. I hated my parents for this, especially my mum, I wished death upon her and my parents generally while growing up.

The corner of the room was always the last resort, it was the only place I would go too if things ever got ‘really bad’. And looking back now I can see just how many times I took myself into this corner and stood there crying until I stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of being shouted at by my parents for doing something ‘wrong’,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘doing something wrong’ to fear, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the implicit belief that it is justified to be shouted at when I have done something ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a seeking of refuge from the torrent of emotions that I am feeling in the moment of being shouted at - by moving myself into the corner of a room and facing it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I did not know of nor have the vocabulary to describe what it was that I was feeling back then, as terror, confusion, anguish, and anger, not knowing that these words were what I was experiencing back then and not being able to use my own words effectively to explain my position so that as child and parent we could understand each other, instead of allowing myself to go on existing in a constant state of fear of the next moment when something ‘went wrong’ in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that it is normal to be shouted at as a child, that it is normal to experience this kind of ‘trauma’ where it seems like ‘the world is ending’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I had in fact suppressed these moments within myself to the point where I could not remember or recall them as something that had actually happened to me, not seeing, realising, nor understanding how these moments shaped me as who I am today - as in the moments of when I am faced with confrontation, and I will feel myself become teary eyed, not ever really knowing why this was happening, not ever thinking that my early years could have influenced who I am within confrontation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tearful when faced with a confrontation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that life is about living for the ecstatic things, for the things that make me feel ‘up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life as excitement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of ‘the next time I will be shouted at’, not seeing, realising, or understanding how I have created the pattern of being either in an up or down phase, where I define up as being excited and happy, and down as being shouted at/in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the next time I will be shouted at’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a waiting game, where I am waiting and dreading the next moment that I will be in trouble like being shouted at by my parents for doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself into a corner because I believed that by doing this I would be able to get away from being told off, that I would be safe in my corner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am safe in corners, not seeing, realising, or understanding how this belief applies to the rest of my life in the moments when ‘things get hard’ and I decide to move myself into a corner of my mind, either to take drugs or distractions to ‘get away from it all’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasise about my parents dying so that I would not have to experience being told off ever again.

When and as I see myself in confrontation and becoming flustered and teary eyed I stop and I breathe. And I will myself to remember the fact that I am now able to communicate myself fully and in detail, that I am able to see the situation before me and decide what it is I should say without becoming agitated or afraid that I will be shouted at ‘for no reason’ - even though this may happen I will myself to understand that this is the other person’s issue that they must face themselves. I will not always be dealing with amiable people. And so all I can do on my end is to be clear in what I am communicating and why. Step by step.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that taking things slowly and in the step of the people around oneself is very beneficial to getting one’s point across and creating a space for communication to happen.

When and as I see myself going into a corner within my mind, entertaining the idea of ‘trying to get away from it all’ I stop and I breathe - and I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I am running into a corner as I did when I was a child, and that I am trying to get away from a point that I do not want to understand nor face. Thus I will myself to simply stop, look, and see what it is - in writing - that I am trying to get away from, and through understanding the point I allow myself to transcend the point that was burdening me.

Day 19 - Fear of angry confrontations

There was a moment where I saw someone was becoming aggressive towards me, where they had been ‘upset’ by me and were trying to find some point of blame to push onto me. There was a lot of worry in the moment - my skin started to sweat, I tuned into an ‘understanding mode’ even though I was quite offended and angry with what was happening.

I did not believe that the responsibility he was trying to place on me was actually mine, I thought to myself ‘why don’t you take responsibility for this point? It is to do with you and your family after all - why try to drag me into this’.

There was a lot of fear that I had about this person, they had a large physical presence, and they seem angry most of the time. I feared the moment spiralling into a madness where I am just being shouted at. I feared showing weakness, I feared looking as if I cannot stand up for myself. I think to myself ‘what will all these other people think of me if I do not hold my ground?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of somebody being aggressive towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect someone being aggressive towards me, to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I had done something to them to warrant this angriness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and worry of what might happen to me if this moment were to escalate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of the moment escalating to fear, I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of escalation, not seeing, realising, and understanding that I have a level of control in the situation in terms of myself, I can assess and decide upon what I say so that I can be heard. I can see also that there are moments when there is nothing that I can do from my end, when the other person has made up their mind about who and how they will be in that moment. Thus within these moments I direct myself to step back and step out of the situation because that is the common sense thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of stepping out of the situation because I fear offending them and making them more angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a stepping out of the situation for fear of offending them, to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear. Not seeing, realising, and understanding that their anger is the own, and if they cannot own it and take responsibility for it then I must remove myself from the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of myself because I started to sweat in this moment, and within sweating I believe that I am showing the other person that they have effectively placed me in a position of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being in a position of fear.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being in a position of fear to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an understanding character whereby I accept what the other person is saying and pretend to agree with it, because I fear the consequence if I don’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger and offence at what was happening, participating in the backchat ‘why is this person doing this? Can they not see how wrong they are, why can they not take responsibility for this point that they are shouting at me over?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I can be dragged into a situation by another person, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I cannot do this without my prior acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of the moment spiralling out of control, and the situation becoming physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect something spiralling out of control into a physical confrontation - to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of showing weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect showing weakness and fear - to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of looking as if I cannot ‘stand up for myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘looking as if I can’t stand up for myself’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of what other people may think of me if I was to not stand my ground/stand up for myself.

When and as I see myself faced with an angry person who is throwing a lot of charged words my way, either directly towards me or someone close to me, and I see myself becoming nervous or going into a fake face/character so that I can get out with the least possible damage, when I see myself in that moment before I start sweating and going fully into a repressed fear, I STOP and I breathe. I will myself to see the common sense in the situation and offer it without any emotional or energetic backdrop, to stop my own reaction in its tracks and look past the anger to see what this other person is saying. To not allow myself to be worried or concerned about what others may think but instead shift my focus to me, my breathing, and my thought processes that are happening here. What are the common sense steps to take here in this moment, is it possible for me to resolve this situation with the knowledge and understanding that I have here now? Or must I refer the problem to someone who is more experienced and can deal with the situation effectively?  Thus I will myself to investigate the words calm and professionalism so that I am in the position to live them when and as similar moments arise in life.

Day 18 - Training Day

I have found myself in the position where I have the opportunity to train another person when it comes to their career, it is effectively on the job training for this other person.

There was a judgement coming up within myself that ‘this person is lazy, they do not care, they do not want to do anything, they have no initiative, they are liars.’ I find myself fearing to tell them what to do, I fear standing within my own authority and directing them, instead just being silently angry and frustrated, saying to myself ‘why won’t they just get the picture here’.

There is the fear of offending, hurting, and upsetting them by my harsh words, like ‘don't do that, stop doing that, do this, do it like this’. The fear of them backchatting about me comes up, as if they are somehow capable of bullying me with their words and general dislike of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of training other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect training people to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of this person as being lazy because they are not doing everything that everybody else is doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that a trainee has to be doing exactly what I am doing in the way that I am doing it because if they are not - they are failing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such a standard exist within me where i am basically saying ‘it is either my way or the highway’ not seeing, realising, and understanding that in most professions this is actually the case.

Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘be soft’ and ‘understanding’ and ‘hopeful that this person will somehow change by and of themselves, not seeing, realising, or understanding that a certain amount of prep work has to be done first, they need to be able to stand before they can walk, and walk before they can run.

Thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that it is not about being soft or hard, but rather it is simply about saying it like it is, there does not need to be any emotional attachment to it, it simply is.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of telling them what to do and how to do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect telling them what to do and how to do it to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear, within this not seeing, realising, or understanding that they cannot know what they have not been exposed too.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of directing them consistently in each moment that I am seeing that they need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect directing them in each and every moment that I see they need it to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of offending, hurting, or upsetting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect offending, hurting, or upsetting them to fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that their offence, hurt, or upset is nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. And thus I do not accept and allow any grudges they hold against me to affect how I am with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of them backchatting about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect them backchatting about me to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being verbally bullied behind my back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being verbally bullied behind my back to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see myself as in the moment watching something happening with the trainees that I see is not being done correctly, in that moment questioning whether I should say something, fearing a reaction from them for ‘speaking against’ what they are doing, I stop and I breathe - I will myself to see, realise, and understand that there can be no progress if I simply allow something improper to continue, that by hoping that they will just learn, or that somebody else will step in and take charge is the way in which things get left alone, and bad practice is allowed to fester. Thus I take a step back and see if I can interject in that moment, and if not in that moment a later one, where I can say to them in common sense and without and fear, sympathy, anger, or frustration what it is they could do better, and how exactly it is they should do it. To shed the skin of sensitivities that I have been wearing my whole life and speak common sense and nothing but.